I’m Still Here: What My 11-Year Journey Living with Chronic Illness Has Taught Me

“Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

just like a lotus flower

we too have the ability to

rise from the mud

bloom out of the darkness

and radiate into the world.

TRIGGER WARNING: the following is a vulnerable share of my healing journey over the past eleven years and includes my experience with suicidal ideation and depression. Please read at your own discretion. If you are feeling triggered, please contact a mental health professional immediately for support or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273–8255.

In November 2017, I wrote about my mental and physical breakdown (or rather, breakthrough) where I quit my job and checked myself into a health center. It took me a long time to write about this because I was not ready to tell you (or admit to myself) that my healing journey is not over. That I am not 100% healed or in “remission” or “recovered.” That these labels don’t apply to me…yet. That I am still healing. Every. Single. Day. I wish I could say it’s over, I did it. I did everything I was supposed to do and now I have my life back. Well, I don’t. I’m not there yet. And that’s okay.

Healing chronic illness has been and will be the single most difficult thing I’ve done in my life. It breaks you down. It’s like having to climb Mount Everest every day. Some days I have more energy and am impressed with how far up the mountain I get. Other days, I succumb to the debilitating fatigue and pain. I take shelter at the base of the mountain. On these bad days, I surrender to and accept the fact that all I can do is lie on the couch all day.

You see, my invisible disability has made me believe that I am invisible, unworthy, unlovable, incapable, broken beyond repair, damaged, and not enough. But all of this is a lie, a false narrative that has developed out of fear and an inability to love and accept myself with all my imperfections, scars, wounds, and messiness. I now know that these are just thoughts; the mind thinks just as the eyes see, the ears hear, and the mouth speaks. It’s just what the mind does. While my thoughts are real, they are not true. And the mistake I’ve made is to identify with my thoughts. But I am not my thoughts. I am not my chronic illness. I am so much more.

Since 2011, I’ve been suffering from various chronic and mystery illnesses. Shortly after I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis (IC) in winter 2011, I began experiencing severe anxiety, depression, insomnia, and panic attacks. In April of the next year, I had lost 12 pounds within a week and for the first time in my life I thought of killing myself. This was “severed belonging,” as Buddhist psychologist Dr. Tara Brach describes depression and suicidality.

Since my first diagnosis of IC, I have been diagnosed by medical professionals with countless trauma and stress-related somatic and psychological disorders and “dis-eases:” irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), severe Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) (which was so bad that for a while I thought I had Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD), panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), acute stress disorder, “leaky gut syndrome,” thoracic outlet syndrome, and adrenal fatigue. While I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, I wonder if I also might have fibromyalgia. Chronic fatigue, pain, and flare-ups have been a part of my daily life.

I now know the root causes of my illnesses: the Epstein Barr Virus, Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal (HPA) Axis Dysregulation, trauma, chronic stress, and environmental toxins (DDT, radiation, and heavy metals).

After returning home from True North Health Center in spring of 2018, where I spent months weaning off of Trazodone and Prozac, working with a naturopathic doctor, committing to a salt, oil, and refined-sugar free (SOS-free) plant-based whole foods lifestyle, and doing a 9-day juice cleanse and a 5-day water fast, I was demoralized and defeated. I thought that if I couldn’t heal at True North Health Center, then I wouldn’t be able to heal at all. This was it. My last resort and only hope. I was ready to give up. I told myself I was a complete and utter failure. A failure because after being off of Prozac for only 5 and a half months, I was back on the anti-depressant. And I believed everyone else thought I was a failure too.

My desperation to heal has driven me to see dozens of doctors (both conventional and alternative) and try countless healing modalities, medications, herbs and supplements, non-invasive procedures, expensive lab work and medical tests, and various ways of eating (vegetarian for about 11 years, low-FODMAP, vegan, and there was even a period of time for a few months where I ate salmon and drank bone broth). I was desperate. And I don’t even want to think about how much money I’ve spent along the way. Still, none of this really worked. The true healing didn’t begin for me until I started the Medical Medium protocol in October 2019.

Following this plant-based protocol is my unique path to healing for my unique body. It may look either different or similar to yours, and that’s perfectly fine and expected.

In June 2016, I made the choice to live, heal, and ultimately thrive without animal products. I made this decision for the well-being of Mother Earth, animals, my fellow humans, for all sentient beings I share this planet with, and for spiritual reasons. With that said, we all have our own healing journeys. I’m learning to let go of judgment and comparing my own healing journey to others. What works for me may not work for you or may not be your truth. Those who suffer from chronic illness must find their own path to wellness.

Since first being diagnosed with IC in 2011, my 11-year healing journey has taken me to experience acupuncture with a medicine man in Costa Rica, Reiki, Polarity/Cranial Sacral therapy, rolfing, chiropractic adjustments, more acupuncture, physical therapy, deep tissue and injury specific massage therapy, Frequency-Specific Microcurrent, Qigong, yoga, sound bathing, Chakra balancing, a medically supervised water fast, shamanic journeying, shamanic soul retrievals, medical marijuana, Buddhist and spiritual retreats, psychotherapy (including IFS, EMDR, and CRM), Biomagnetic Pair therapy, the psychedelic psilocybin, and many other interventions I haven’t mentioned.

Along the way, I have realized this simple truth: It’s the journey, not the destination.

I had to learn the same lessons many times over. Things had to fall apart in order to come back together again. I met my edge and softened. I lost my health, my identity, my beloved grandmother, my community and friends, my job, and my purpose. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was lost, a shadow of my former self split between the melancholy of the past and the uncertainty of the future. I became paralyzed by darkness and suicidal ideation, which plagued me for a second time during the entire summer of 2018 and seemed like an eternity. For weeks on end, I moved in and out of the fog of depression and the suffocating scream of anxiety.

Somehow, I made it out alive with the help of many interventions (in no particular order of importance): psychotherapy, supplements, medication, yoga, exercise and movement, SOS-free plant-based whole foods lifestyle, support from family, friends, and community, CBD, spirituality (i.e. mindfulness and meditation), connecting to nature, the countless Eastern healing modalities I mentioned above, and a newfound purpose as I began graduate school and worked towards a new career as a transpersonal psychotherapist.

Still, the belief that I am a failure continued to visit me. It took me years to realize the extent of my self-invalidation. Instead of giving myself credit for the resilience I had demonstrated through this impossibly painful period of my life, I was beating myself up for not doing enough, not doing it right, not being enough, and not being fully healed yet. Instead of realizing this was a perfectly appropriate and expected emotional and physical response as a highly sensitive person and emotional and physical empath (aka a human who’s experienced childhood trauma who’s nervous system is sensitive to subtle changes in the environment as a protection mechanism), I was convinced that there was something inherently wrong with me. I should have been celebrating my perseverance and how far I had come. I was doing the absolute best I could do. In the midst of my darkest moments, when it felt like everyone I knew had abandoned me, I had refused to abandon myself. I chose myself over and over again by asking for and receiving help and guidance.

Healing is not linear and trauma is cyclical. I continue to have good days and bad days. I’ll be the first to admit it: it’s overwhelming. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s literally my full time job. And yet, I must keep going. My mission is recovery, so I do all of this to heal with the knowledge that I am healing every day. Healing is not only possible; it’s happening for me in this very moment. That day will come in the future when I climb to the top of Mount Everest.

A friend of mine once told me: A setback is a setup for a comeback.

Despite many setbacks, I know I am making progress. I have a lot to heal and it’s going to take time. I am in this for the long haul. I have two choices: to keep on going or to give up. The latter simply is not an option.

The vision I have for my life pulls me forward and prevents me from giving up. I work on manifesting optimal health and happiness every day. I envision myself in the future thriving, living an authentic, whole-hearted life completely aligned with my truth and life’s purpose. Is this possible? Absolutely.

If you are suffering, please continue to take this journey one step at a time with me. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

Remember that healing takes time and is a process. Healing is messy. Some days you’ll fuck up. You’ll eat something on the no list. You’ll go off your protocol. You’ll numb out, escape, and avoid. You’ll spend all day, all week, or all month, or maybe even a few years in bed. And in the middle of all of this, the light will shine through and you’ll have your good days. Continue being gentle, patient, kind and compassionate with yourself. Recognize the pain, allow it, investigate somatically, nurture with self-compassion, and then get back on track (RAIN of Self-Compassion).

My chronic illness has taught me to savor and appreciate the present moment and the little things in life. It has reminded me of the impermanence of this life. To give myself permission to prioritize self-care and put myself first. To say no, thank you to people or things that do not serve me and my highest good.

It’s not about productivity or perfection. It’s about self-care and compassion.

You didn’t cause your illness and it is NOT your fault you are sick. This too shall pass. Remember that all storms pass. Everything changes and nothing ever stays the same. Impermanence. Believe your diagnosis, not your prognosis. There is always a sliver of light to be found in the darkness. Always. There is strength in vulnerability. You are not alone.

While this human life is fragile, our bodies have the powerful capacity to heal themselves. More than ever, I’ve learned how healing the mind helps heal the body. The mind-body connection is real.

Over the years, I’ve learned to accept and allow the pain more and more. To view it as a gift and a friend. To ask myself why this is happening for me, not to me. I’ve learned to say yes to the pain and discomfort. Yes to the experience that is right here. Yes to the life that is right here. Yes.

The most powerful thing my therapist has said to me is this: after crying in her office that I am broken, she said to me: Chiara, the word broken is so finite and absolute. What if we were to say you are wounded? A glass breaks. Wounds heal.

My wellness coach posted this: “Soon, when all is well, you’re going to look back on this period of your life and be glad that you never gave up. Keep going. All is well and getting better every day, even if you can’t see it yet. One glass of celery juice at a time…”

No matter what you have been through, no matter what you are going through, don’t forget this: you are a wounded healer. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved. You are a shadow/light worker and a wellness warrior. If I can do it, so can you. This world NEEDS YOU. I love you. KEEP GOING.

Namaste and blessings ❤

If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

ABOUT THE AUTHOR CHIARA

Chiara is a Transpersonal Psychotherapist and Somatic Trauma Coach who helps stressed, anxious people self-soothe, regulate their nervous systems holistically, and heal trauma so they can live empowered, purposeful lives. She has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and also is a registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT131403), where she’s been working with therapy clients since March 2021. It brings her heart so much joy to see her clients bloom and rise like a lotus flower from the mud of life! She is always honored to guide individuals from all walks of life on their journey to embody their empowered, authentic Higher Self so they can live their dream life! You can follow her on Instagram @bloom.with.chiara